SoberlyCo Newsletter #4: The Loneliness Test (And Why Saturday Nights Used to Terrify Me)

Saturday evening, 7:30 PM. My partner's out with friends. House to myself.

Six months ago, this scenario would have been an automatic trigger for a trip to the off-licence. "Perfect," I'd think, "I can relax properly without anyone judging how much I'm drinking."

Fast-forward four hours: I'd be three-quarters through a six-pack, playing video games badly, and watching Netflix without actually watching it. Sunday morning would arrive with that familiar fog of "What did I even do last night?"

But this Saturday was different.

Instead of that autopilot march to the fridge, I found myself asking a question that's become my secret weapon: "What do I actually want to do with this time?"

The answer surprised me.

First, let me tell you about Jake.

This weekend, I got a message from an old mate—let's call him Jake. We hadn't spoken properly in months, but something in his text caught my attention:

"Paddy, been thinking about what you said about not drinking. Starting to wonder if I should try it too. How do you handle being alone without a beer? That's when I drink the most."

Jake had just asked the question I'd been avoiding.

The Loneliness Challenge

Here's what nobody tells you about sobriety: social events aren't the hardest part. Being alone is.

At weddings, BBQs, and pub nights, you've got distractions. People to talk to. Activities to focus on. Social pressure, yes, but also social support.

But Saturday night, alone with your thoughts? That's where sobriety gets tested.

Before this journey, my alone time looked like this:

• 6 PM: Crack open first beer "to unwind"

• 7 PM: Order takeaway, grab second beer

• 8 PM: Start gaming or Netflix, beer number three

• 10 PM: "Just one more" (narrator: it was never just one more)

• 1 AM: Fall asleep on the sofa, controller in hand

• 8 AM: Wake up feeling like absolute garbage

I thought I was relaxing. I thought I was "living in the moment."

But here's the thing about that "in the moment" feeling alcohol gives you—it's completely fake. Sure, I felt present while drinking, but try asking me the next morning what happened in the film I watched or what level I reached in my game.

Blank. Complete blank.

The Real "In the Moment" Discovery

Fast-forward to last Saturday night. Partner's out, house to myself, and that familiar urge hits: "A beer would be perfect right now."

But instead of fighting the urge, I got curious about it.

"What am I actually craving?"

Was it the beer? Or was it the permission to relax, to do whatever I wanted without judgment?

I decided to give myself that permission—without the alcohol.

Here's what my evening actually looked like:

7:30 PM: Made a proper coffee and sat down with the book I'd been meaning to read

8:30 PM: Made a great quick recipe I had picked out earlier in the week

9:00 PM: Started playing that new game I'd bought but never properly tried

11:00 PM: Watched a film I'd been wanting to see for months—actually watched it, not just had it on in the background

12:30 AM: Went to bed feeling satisfied, not sedated

Sunday morning: Woke up remembering every detail.

I could tell you the plot of the entire film. I remembered which character development happened when. I knew exactly how far I'd progressed in the game and what strategies had worked.

For the first time in years, I'd had a proper evening to myself.

The Routine That Saves Me

Here's what I've learned about handling alone time in sobriety: you need a routine that replaces the drinking ritual, not just removes it.

My new Saturday night routine:

1. The Check-In (5 minutes): "What do I actually want to do with this time?"

2. The Setup (10 minutes): Make the space comfortable—good lighting, proper coffee or tea, phone on silent

3. The Activity Choice (planned): Pick one thing I've been wanting to do but "never have time for"

4. The Treat (budget the beer money): Order good food, buy that book, rent that film

5. The Reflection (bedtime): Write down one thing I enjoyed or learned

The magic isn't in the activities—it's in the intention.

Instead of numbing out, I'm tuning in. Instead of killing time, I'm actually using it.

Jake's Challenge (And Maybe Yours Too)

When I replied to Jake, I told him about this routine. His response was immediate:

"But what if I get bored? What if I can't relax without a drink?"

Here's what I've discovered about boredom in sobriety:

Boredom isn't the enemy—it's information. When you're bored while sober, your brain is telling you it's ready for something more engaging than passive numbing.

And about relaxation?

True relaxation comes from feeling satisfied with how you've spent your time, not from sedating yourself into unconsciousness.

The difference is profound:

• Drunk relaxation: Feel good in the moment, regret in the morning

• Sober relaxation: Feel engaged in the moment, satisfied in the morning

This Week's Loneliness Experiment

Whether you're sober curious like Jake or working on your own journey, try this:

Pick one evening this week when you'll be alone. Instead of your usual routine (whatever that involves), try this:

1. Before the evening starts: Write down three things you've been wanting to do but "never have time for"

2. Set the scene: Make your space comfortable and distraction-free

3. Choose one activity from your list and commit to it for at least 30 minutes

4. Notice the difference: How present do you feel? What are you actually experiencing?

5. The next morning: Write down what you remember from the evening

The goal isn't to be productive or achieve anything specific. It's to discover what genuine "me time" feels like without numbing agents.

The Unexpected Gift

Here's what I didn't expect about sober alone time: I actually like my own company now.

Before, being alone felt like something to escape from. Now it feels like an opportunity—to read that book, try that hobby, watch that documentary, or just think without fog.

I'm present for my own life in a way I never was when drinking.

And when my partner got home Sunday, instead of mumbling incoherently about nothing, I had actual things to share—what I'd read, what I'd learned, how the film ended.

I was there for the conversation because I'd been there for the evening.

Hit reply and tell me:

• What's your biggest challenge with alone time?

• What's one thing you've been wanting to do but "never have time for"?

• If you're sober curious, what's holding you back from trying?

I read every response, and stories like Jake's help me understand what to write about next.

Here's to being present for your own life,

Paddy

P.S. If you're struggling with the alone time aspect of sobriety, you're not alone (pun intended). My "first year hurdle" process has an entire section on building sustainable routines that actually satisfy you instead of just numbing you.

📧 Questions about handling alone time or building better routines? Just hit reply – I love hearing about your experiments and discoveries.